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In Moments of Disconnect Our Children Need a Bridge, Not a Verdict

  • Writer: Lydia (Founder)
    Lydia (Founder)
  • Aug 1
  • 3 min read

When emotions flare, it’s tempting to search for the facts. But there is something more important than that. Learn why the most effective parenting starts with reconnection, not correction.


A big heart hugs a little heart
In critical moments of disconnect, parents must build a bridge, not a verdict. Image gennerated by Chat GPT.

There are small but powerful statements that live at the top of my parenting toolkit. Here are some:


“It’s not your fault”

“I know you have a good heart”

"Please tell me more"


Anytime we have a bad situation at home where one of my kids have messed up, hurt someone or acted unfairly, I say these statements and others like them first. Why? How can I say that when I don’t even know who’s fault it was?




What matters most


At this point in time, figuring who’s at fault isn’t a priority task yet. Yes, finding out what happened is important, but it comes later. What matters even more in moments of tension is something else. It teaches emotional regulation and is a strategy for handling tantrums without an argument, yelling or unnecessary unishments:


RECONNECTION.


It’s the first and most important step. Effective, grounded parents use reconnection and repair as a foundational parenting strategy because it works. In fact, sometimes it's the only thing that works because in moments of disconnect, truth can wait. Love can't.




How a child's brain reacts to messing up


When a child breaks the rules or hurts someone, they immediately begin to wrestle with feelings of anger, shame and fear. Then, in response to these emotions the brain tries to set up mental defences using things like defiance, silence or even lying in an effort to protect their sense of self.


This is a very human, very normal response to being in the “wrong”.


Remember: Children do not yet have the skills or developmental fortitude to have clear, honest and reasonable conversations if they are wrestling with shame, fear and anger so - it’s better to readjust any mislead expectations about them being able to do this sooner rathr than later.




How do we reconnect?


We reconnect using statements that show we still believe the best in them. These statements have the power to:


1) blast away mental defences.


2) draw out your child’s best self - a child that knows they are safe, loved and seen by you, no matter what.


They’re a bit like a magic spell!


It’s my firm belief that when children grow up around people who believe the best in them, even when they make big mistakes - they become very resilient, highly capable adults who are able to approach challenges with a sense of confidence and ease.




A Surprise Bonus for Parents


What's really cool is that kids will eventually reflect back the lessons you teach them. For instance, I recently said sorry to my daughter after making a mistake and she told me "Don't worry mama, it's not your fault"


What a gift! My inner child felt so healed!



Need inspiration?


Here is a printable game to help your child develop emotional resilience called "Affirmation Dice." Each side contains a prompt to affirm your child. Affirmations are a great way to develop confidence and resilience!




For more resources, go to the Nomii Free Stuff page where you can explore more printable activities, encouraging posters and memory makers I have specifically designed to help parents connect with their children.




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