Parenting with AuADHD

Being my sons safe place amonst all the unravelled AuADHD was a challenge

I want to share some of what my experience has been like to be an AuADHD mum. My hope is to help encourage other conversations about difficult parenting experiences, and that although AuADHD is considered an intellectual disability because of the ways it impacts people, it’s not something I’m ashamed of.  By talking about it, I hope it will help someone feel seen.

Before diagnosis

At school I was a loner. I always felt a bit different but didn’t know how. It felt like there was a foggy glass between me and everyone else, where I could never clearly see what they were doing differently to me.

As a teen I was interested in science, LOTR, gaming, and deep conversations. I was not interested in boys or going out. Although I tried to pretend to be interested in those for the sake of trying to fit in. The older I got the quieter and more anxious I became until being in public was hard. I managed to overcome that fun little era by breathing into paper bags for panic attacks, practicing public speaking and having a mantra running through my mind constantly.

As a grown-up I often felt confused by the world, like I’d missed the memo that explained what you needed to know to be normal. I was also still confused about who I was, and just tried to fit in. My personality? Tbh I had no idea. I struggled hard in an office for many reasons but every role I possessed I’d end up working myself to the bone, taking on more and more responsiblity.

Then I became a mum.

Have you ever tried washing dishes with gloves that are way to big? You can’t grip the dishes and water keeps getting into the gloves. That’s what it felt like to be a mum with undiagnosed AuADHD. The constant crying and constant touch sent me into overstimulation mode daily (I had a Velcro baby that was very high needs and did not nap well or sleep well at night).

The impact of this was a parenting experience filled with guilt: I felt I had let my kids down by not being on top of things. Maternity leave was filled with joy but also exhaustion, masking, and meltdowns (mine and the kids).

The Diagnosis

I didn’t have a clue I was neurodivergent until I was 34 when one afternoon, I was looking at a photo of my son (who had been diagnosed with Global Learning Delay). He was smiling in a strained kind of way that made him look like Hide the Pain Harold. Super cute and funny. Suddenly, I remembered there was also a photo of me taken around the same age with that same strained smile happening. The knowledge that he and I were the same finally arrived and I laughed because it had taken me so long to see it - it was so obvious!  

I organized an assessment (which by the way, costs anywhere from $2- $3K on average and is not subsidized) and was diagnosed with AuADHD (Autism + ADHD). I was surprised. The suddenness of my whole identity changing was a lot to process and took a few weeks to digest fully. But it unlocked some heavy burden from my shoulders – the one that always told me it was my fault I was failing at life. Turns out I wasn’t broken at all. My brain was just an unfinished puzzle and now I could start piecing it together.

A daily range of AuADHD parent emotions

After Diagnosis

Allot fell into place quickly – I had (and still have) many “aha!” moments. I was finally able to understand how I had been impacted by processing the world so differently and why I had experienced certain things in my life, like chronic loneliness. I began to “unmask” and notice all the painful things I had been ignoring / wrote off as normal / had no idea was even a thing and started strategizing to move forward.

For example, I still can’t believe not everyone wonders about whether their limbs are doing the right thing when they talk to people! My favorite spicy features are hyper-empathy and existential OCD. Selective mutism, sensory sensitivity, insomnia, anxiety and gut health issues not so much my favorite but I am getting better and better at dealing with them.

The Silver Lining

Basically, once I understood what the problems were – I became free to get a handle on them. They now had names and I now had tools.

Where I felt shame before, now I felt compassion (for my old self). Where I felt hopeless, now I felt confident. This is the power of knowing your enemy people.  Always know your enemy and you will win.

The struggle is still real for normality (something I like to call “living life on hard mode”). But just like lifting weights that are too heavy, but the more I lift the easier it gets. The weights don’t change - I do.

The other super amazing positive thing about my diagnosis is that I get to understand my son better. It’s comforting that I ‘get’ him, and I feel like having someone who truly understands him will make his own neurodivergent journey easier.

What You Should Know if You are an ADHD / Autistic Parent

If you are a neurodivergent parent and struggling, please know:

-      You’re not failing — you’re learning to adapt.

-      Any diagnosis can feel heavy, but it brings power through knowing what you’re up against.

-      It’s okay to witness yourself being different. Once you climb your mountain of weirdness you get to have a party with all the other people up there who are just like you (and me).

-      There’s no “one right way” to be a good parent! Neurodivergent families are doing it all the time — just with a few more sticky notes.