All Parents Should Know This One Thing

You're not always going to be able to control every aspect of your child's behaviour! And that's fine.

There are a lot of things I wish I knew before becoming a parent but here's one I really needed to hear before having children and would have benefitted from hearing at least once a week after...Here it is:

Even if you do all the "right" things, follow all the right advice and have perfect health... things will still go to shit.

So if you are feeling like a terrible parent for experiencing more pain some day than joy - don't attack your self. It's not a reflection of your parenting skills/intuition! A child is their own being. They will make their own choices in spite of your efforts - and that means they will cry when they want to. We are never 100% in control.

For example some kids sit in a trolley. My own son hated the trolley and wanted to stay in my arms. He also refused to be put in a carrier or use his legs to walk around. Can a mother be expected to push a trolley with one hand and hold a 3 year old with the other? When my poor arms could not take it I'd put him down and instantly there would be tears. Concerned shoppers looked at me like I wasn't a good mum - but I knew he was well loved and cared for. Thats all that mattered.

We all have an image in your mind of what parenting is going to look like but after the brush strokes fall it is completely different and not at all what you imagined it to be. Sometimes you can see the beauty in it. Other times you can't see the beauty in it at all and it's a mess. More importantly: no one can tell you what it should look like.

The next time you are experiencing self doubt, try to remind yourself: "I can't control my babies moods all the time and it's not a reflection on my parenting".

The thing parents hear instead

Most of us are bombarded with "adivce" that is well intended but not that helpful. Sometimes it can become grating. Here are my personal favs!

"Just wait - you will have a rough time staying in love"

"Be careful because this/that/and the other can go wrong at birth"

"Why aren't you breastfeeding?"

"This is what I do" / "I'd never do that"

Sure, maybe some of it is true....but what's true for others may not always be true for you. Everyone is invested in making sure you're doing the "right" things and I do believe unsolicited adivce usually comes from a place of wanting to help.

However, it's good to have a strategy for dealing with repeat offenders and to stop someone if you know they're going to overshare / try to give you advice you don't want to hear. Here are some ways to phrase your boundary:

Calm and clear approach:

"Thats ok - I think I've got it covered"

"Although I'm happy that worked for you, it hasn't been the case for me"

Firm:

"I know you're trying to help but I'm not really looking for advice right now"

Throw out opinions from anyone who you don't trust or that aren't relevant to your situation

For a doctor:

"I appreciate your expertise. I really would like to explore my other options for now"

"I’ve spent a lot of time exploring my options and decided I prefer to focus on [X approach] because [it's right for me / it's my preference / it's in line with my needs etc]"

For a MIL:

"Thanks, I’ve got it covered—but I’ll definitely let you know if I need help!"

"I can see your point, but I’m trying to figure this out my own way first"

For an online commenter:

"This isn’t a request for suggestions—just sharing my own experience"

"Appreciate that's been your experience, but I’m not looking for advice here"

Saying nothing and letting things marinate in an awkward silence is also an option!

For me, reading online forums were a fantastic place to feel heard and seen.

However asking advice from strangers or anyone you don't trust opens you up to alot of unhelpful opinions. When it comes to babies - they are not the same. You don't get the same results just because you copy someone else.

Final Word

Concerned citizens, family and friends could provide much more valuable help by focusing on giving responses that are empathetic and understanding and only sharing warnings and opinions when asked. New and struggling parents need encouragement!