The Myth of Parental Control

You're not always going to be able to control every aspect of your child's behaviour! And you know what? That's fine!

There are a lot of things I wish I knew before becoming a parent but here's one I really needed to hear before having children and would have benefitted from hearing at least once a week after...Here it is:

Even if you do all the "right" things, follow all the right advice and have perfect health... things will still go to shit.

So if you are feeling like a terrible parent for experiencing more pain some day than joy - don't attack your self. It's not a reflection of your parenting skills/intuition! Here's why...

A child is their own being. They will make their own choices in spite of your efforts - and thats normal! Expect them to cry just because they want to. Or not sleep. Or sit in a trolley.

It's ok. It's not you. It's not because your not doing something right, or doing something wrong. It's because you have a tiny human with their own free will.

Personal Experience

My own son hated the trolley and wanted to stay in my arms. He also refused to be put in a carrier or use his legs to walk around. Can a mother be expected to push a trolley with one hand and hold a 3 year old with the other? When my poor arms could not take it I'd put him down and instantly there would be tears. Concerned shoppers looked at me like I wasn't a good mum - but I knew he was well loved and cared for. Thats all that mattered.

We all have an image in your mind of what parenting is going to look like but after the brush strokes fall it is completely different and not at all what you imagined it to be. Sometimes you can see the beauty in it. Other times you can't see the beauty in it at all and it's a mess. More importantly: no one can tell you what it should look like.

The next time you are experiencing self doubt, try to remind yourself: "I can't control my babies moods all the time and it's not a reflection on my parenting".

The Wrong Message

Most of us are bombarded with "adivce" that is well intended but not at all helpful. I fact, these statements instill fear and guilt. Here are my personal favs!

"Just wait - you will have a rough time staying in love!"

"Be careful because this/that/and the other can go wrong at birth"

"Why aren't you breastfeeding?"

"This is what I do" / "I'd never do that"

The reason advice is a dime a dozen is because what's true for me isn't necessarily going to be true for you and vice versa. Everyone is invested in making sure you're doing the "right" things and I do not believe there is a "right" thing that is a one size fits all.

How to Respond

What do you do when the wrong advice is being shoved down your throat? Repeat offenders like to push and push....here's some ways to phrase your boundary:

Calm and clear approach:

"Thats ok - I think I've got it covered"

"Although I'm happy that worked for you, it hasn't been the case for me"

Firm:

"I know you're trying to help but I'm not really looking for advice right now"

Throw out opinions from anyone who you don't trust or that aren't relevant to your situation

For a doctor:

"I appreciate your expertise. I really would like to explore my other options for now"

"I’ve spent a lot of time exploring my options and decided I prefer to focus on [X approach] because [it's right for me / it's my preference / it's in line with my needs etc]"

For a MIL:

"Thanks, I’ve got it covered—but I’ll definitely let you know if I need help!"

"I can see your point, but I’m trying to figure this out my own way first"

For an online commenter:

"This isn’t a request for suggestions—just sharing my own experience"

"Appreciate that's been your experience, but I’m not looking for advice here"

Saying nothing and letting things marinate in an awkward silence is also an option!

For me, reading online forums were a fantastic place to feel heard and seen.

However asking advice from strangers or anyone you don't trust opens you up to alot of unhelpful opinions. When it comes to babies - they are not the same. You don't get the same results just because you copy someone else.

Final Word

Concerned citizens, family and friends could provide much more valuable help by focusing on giving responses that are empathetic and understanding and only sharing warnings and opinions when asked. New and struggling parents need encouragement!