When Kids Behaviour Feels Rogue

This piece is about raising young kids. It is a gentle reminder that not all “off-track” behaviour is something to fear or fix.

Sometimes kids behave in ways that make you stop and think, wtf was that? They say something totally left-field. They do something you didn’t expect from them in a million years.

In those moments, it’s easy to feel confused. The effort we put into raising them to be kind and respectful doesn't always show.

A boy chooses what identity to try on next. Image created by Chat GPT.

When your Kid Makes You Go “WTF?”

Today I was readying the kids for OSHC, and it was time to go. I walked into the room and announced "time to go my pretties!"

My daughter (5) said to me "Mum, I'm always pretty. So you don't need to tell me I am."

It wasn't said as a self-affirming realisation, but as a rebuke.

Immediately I felt a sense of indignation. My statement was not received in the way it was intended. I was also confused - what on earth would make her turn on me like that?

Whenever kids do something confusing like this, it is proof once again that as parents, we can’t fully control where their behaviour goes.

My confusion turned to anger. "You are five and I am your mother. Don't teach me how to speak!"

Feeling we have lost control usually turns into a burst of anger. It's proof that as a parent, you can’t fully control where their behaviour goes. That reaction is more common than we might like to admit. It's ok. It means your are normal.

Anger is a secondary emotion, and in these moments, fear is the primary thing we are likely to feel. We're afraid because we know that if that behaviour continues, it will drive us nuts and is therefore, a huge threat to our connection.

If we didn't love our kids deeply, we wouldn't care if something threatened our connection.

This isn't the end of the story. From here we can focus on remaining connected by remembering these two things.

1. Children do not always copy us

Although our children are constantly with us and being taught by us, they are never a mini-version of us. They come completely unique with thoughts we never had and goals we didn’t set. Many of their ideas don’t come from anything we taught them.

So when they act in ways that feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable, it can feel surprising. It helps to remember, they are just learning how to be themselves. Expecting them to always mirror us sets everyone up for frustration.

2. Kids who feel safe test boundaries

Children who feel safe don’t just follow rules. I was an extremely obedient child because I was terrified of what would happen to me if I wasn't. That's not healthy.

Normal developing brains test boundaries.

They push. They poke. They try things out to see what’s “allowed.” They’re figuring out where the edges are. There has to be some give and take. Growth requires a bit of space to experiment. They don't just test boundaries, but identities, personas and moods!

A great example of this is that way that kids often copy a character from a movie or show they love. They talk like them, act like them, even think like them.

They’re trying on identities to see what fits, eventually finding a balance between "this is me" and "this is allowed."

So… kids are weird

In the end I said to my daughter "I know you didn't mean to be rude. Just let me compliment you, ok?" It was important for me to reconnect but also hold a boundary about how she should speak to me.

Kids do things that don’t always make sense. Sometimes they change so fast they scare us.

Most of the time, though, it is not an intentional attempt to disconnect. It's a normal part of them figuring out life. So, we must always continue to see they are good inside, and look for other explanations as to why they might pull away. Like:

They’re not trying to lose you. They’re trying to find themselves.

Stay connected and be patient. They will become beautiful amazing people for sure - but that progress isn't always linear!