You’re Not a Bad Mum (Even When It Feels Like It)

TL:DR Repair matters more than perfection. Your child's experience is not defined by your worst moments as a parent.

Why mistakes don't matter as much as repair does

I didn't cry in front of any one for about 20 years until a few years after I met my husband.

Once when I was 6 or 7 & sitting at the computer crying one day (I don't remember why) my mother came up gently, smiled and held a small mirror in front of my face so I could see it and said,

"See how ugly you look when you cry?"

Fast forward to age 10 and I remember needing a hair cut. I asked to go to a hairdresser but mum offered to cut my hair instead. I asked her to cut it just below my mid back.

She immeditely cut it under my ears without asking permission.

"Why did you do that!!?" I cried.

She replied with a smug grin "I wanted to see what you would look like. It doesn't look good!" And laughed. I went to my room and cried.

I felt betrayed and heart broken.

My mother made many mistakes. Some cut deep. Today, I keep in touch through letters.

In the years after, when I was doing alot of re-parenting and healing work I had a moment of realisation. It was perhaps one of the most surprising discoveries and it significantly changed my own parenting style.

The truth about what broke our relationship was this: It wasn't her mistakes that that eventually pushed me away. It was the lack of repair.

Without it, I didn't have any humanity to cling to and I also internalised the rejection as "I'm a useless child."

All I ever needed was to hear something like "Lydia, I'm sorry. I'm not well and I'm struggling a lot to be the parent you need me to be. I know I lash out at you unfairly. It's because I feel like I'm failing. It's not your fault and I'll try to do better."

And that would have healed so much of what was broken and importantly, it would have protected me from internalising her actions my fault.

What showing up looks like

Back to the present. You probably have had at least one of these thoughts in the last week:

"Am I doing enough?"

"have I done the right thing?"

"I wish I was more patient"

"I'm a terrible mum"

"I'm tired of being a mum. Today I wish I wasn't"

These are reflections and the kinds of thoughts (especially the last one) that don't actually stem from bad parenting but from mental exhaustion and often absence of a strong support system.

You are enough.

I bet that you have recently laid into yourself for losing your temper over something small. Even if you have made attempts to apologise to your child for not controlling your emotions as well as you wished, that is an incredible parenting moment that builds trust and a deeper relationship.

The effort we make to repair is truly one of the most precious gifts you can give a child. Just one sorry would have changed everything between me and my mum.

Mistakes are not failures. Our desperate cries of "why doesn't anyone listen to me!?" are not doing the damage we think they are.

I became a silent child because I knew it wasn't safe to talk. So perhaps, another way to look at it is like this:

If your child complains, cries or tells you things...it's very likely that this is a sign that they feel safe enough to do so.

My belief is that if a child doesn't feel loved to their core, connection requests like:

"Look at me mummy" or

"Can you play with me?"

begin to simply dissappear.

However, if you are still struggling with guilt, there is one thing you can do this year to be an even better mum! Pay more attention to your own wellbeing!

My belief is that if my mum had done this, she might have learned to love herself enough to ask for help.

I'm not just asking, I'm begging: mums please be kind and love yourselves.

Tell yourself kind things. Try to remember the moments in the day when you hugged your child and told them you loved them. Remember the times you did play. Remember that you read them a story. Remember how you put that bandaid on them and told them it was going to be ok.

Children don’t need us to be perfect mums. They won’t measure the depth of your relationship by how many perfect moments you shared. Instead, they'll remember the times you let them talk openly about hard topics, confront you about messy feelings and the times you tried again.

You are enough. Repair matters more than perfection.